Tiny Baby

WalkAmerica

So. It is time to start fund raising for WalkAmerica. We raised over $1500.00 for our last walk, so we are going to try to out do ourselves this time. We shall see.

If you want to see a cute picture of us as a family in the NICU and/or donate some money to help save very tiny sick babies - go to my WalkAmerica page.

It really is for a good cause. My son would not be alive without surfactant, and drug researched through the March of Dimes. The tiny babies and their families thank you.

spontaneous language

the sky is blue - blue - blue - the sky is a big ocean

(What did you do today) We DIDN"T go get donuts!

(looking at the toe cap on his shoe) Ohhhh a rainbow

3/1/07

my favorite thing you did today
as we sat eating
turkey
cheese
microwaved leftover French fries (tatoes)

you looked at me
“tatoes”
“mama have one. One for me.”

after I pass you one, and it is thoughtfully munched and
discarded
you glance slightly to the left and look below my ear
“Thank you, mama.” (where did that come from?)
(I know I didn’t teach you that)

outside
on the icy road – there is a loud noise
“big yellow school bus.”
we sit and chew and
are silent until
the bus comes back down the street

“The bus came around mama, the bus came around.”
This from a boy who commands language through memory
who digs up conservation for books and video scripts
and the day mommy lost her wallet and cried

you are like a trout
waiting in the eddies – avoiding the fisherman
with his hooks and lines
even the most cleverly designed flies cannot not lure you
but
every now and then I glimpse
the flash of sliver
of you
buried underneath
with so much life in you

all I can think is
no one can catch you

no one should catch you

things i don't want to forget

-how you say usic instead of music

-that you came upstairs to tell me that "daddy's playing with the vacuum cleaner."

-that you know all the words to "I got dirt on my head" and are currently obsessed with Groundhog Day

-when we were all in the bathtub, you said we were making a "naked train!"

-that you tell me you are going to poop on your toilet, but instead you take a huge dump on the floor

-you love to have a "tato party" (god, how you love french fries)

-how constantly inform me of everything that is going on - "that's a big truck." "he's wearing pants" "I'm riding the the car."

-that you know all the words - and will sing - "Everybody Sing the Blues" and "Mama Tried"

I am sure there is more, but you want to play trains.

from one to two

you are changing so much

these are the things I want to remember

*muk* instead of milk
the frantic signing of milk milk milk milk while running through the house screaming *muk muk muk*

up up
up up on everything. You put your tractor on top of your turtle sandbox and sit like you are the king of everything. You put your step stool on top of the toilet and know you cannot balance up there and scream. You want to stand on the kitchen table. You skate across your play table. You want up up on mommy mountain. You want horse and cow up up on the airport.

Ah. Horse and cow. Or more like horseandcow. How you love these plastic animals. They need to go everywhere with you. As with Happy and Gus. You love to drop Happy and Gus (my old 1970's lumberjack action figures) off of the bed and say, "Oh no. Happy and Gus. Happy and Gus!" At which point I have to crawl under the bed to retrieve them. Then they hug, kiss, and go to sleep. It is heartbreakingly cute.

You love to sing and be sung to - and know all the words to every song you have ever heard. In fact you like to name songs for us to sing. And when we sing the *I love* song - you must name each thing you love. Right now you love - Blue, Joe, Steve, Periwinkle, Horse, Cow, monkey song, and upside down, and various combinations of these.

A few of your favorite songs are:
Upside down (monkey song) by Jack Johnson
The Lion Sleeps Tonight
I Only Have Eyes for You the Sinatra version
Freight Train by Elizabeth Cotton
Why You Been Gone So Long by Johnny Darrell
The Train Medley by the Persuasions
but you have so many favorite songs there is no way I could list them all.

Your all encompassing love of anything Blue's Clues. It is amazing how you took to Joe and have even made me give a little on my *only Steve* stance.

You are fearless. You will touch anything. Taste anything. Climb anything.

How you will only eat organic fruit. It is like you can somehow taste the difference. And I guess, because you are a super sensitive kiddo, that makes sense. But, man, you are putting us in the poorhouse with your only organic fruit addiction - you ate a whole container of blueberries in a day.

The way you love the book - Leonard the Terrible Monster - you have memorize the entire story and love to say all the names of the other monsters. And the way you say Hector is beyond cute.

straw-bay-ya (strawberry)
cot-see (coffee)
el-tant (elephant)
watzel (waffle)
outschide (outside)

And while it worries me - your super-sensitivity - I still find it endearing how you say "I sorry baby" when you are crying and are upset about something.

In the caves - this is what you say when you want to go under the blankets.

And right now, I hear you in the bathtub with your dad and you are saying, "I a cow. I a cow." And now you are making bubble beards. God, I love you.

We are

a family bed household. We co-sleep. And it is wonderful. Amazing. It is a decision I will never never never regret. I love falling asleep with my warm drowsy boy and somewhat smelly husband. I even like the snoring. It is kind of like my own person white noise machine. I love to wake up to a smiley imp who is poking my eye and saying, "poke eye. poke eye. mama. mama. up up. go play. go play cars. mama." I love it. There is nothing better. And I know it will only last so long. I plan to enjoy - drink up - soak in - and love every single second of it.

babies

So. My mom told me that my brother and his wife are having a baby. Due June 1. My first thought was - wow it is so early to be telling people and there is so much that can go wrong between now and then. My second was - if anything terrible happens I hope it is in-utero so that the baby doesn't suffer. Because that is how much I have been affected by my pregnancy and birth experience. I went in for a scheduled ultrasound at week 15 and ended up in the OR an hour later. Spinal. Cercalge. Strict bedrest. Hospital bedrest at week 24. Every second of every day from week 15 to 24 was lived in fear that at any second my baby would die. And then he was born at 24 weeks and for the next 104 days we lived in fear that at any moment he could die. Don't leave the NICU to eat because what if he dies while we are eating? Waking up to pump at 3:00am and calling to make sure that he is still okay. Hoping that in the time it took to drive from the house to the NICU he didn't get an infection or have to be bagged. It has completely colored the way I see pregancy and brith. I will never be the same.

I don't really know how to deal with the news of this pregnancy. This is my brother who hasn't talked to me since his wedding because I didn't make a fancy video and send it for him to show at the wedding. You see, I missed his wedding because I was having surgery and then was on bedrest. But I apparently was doing this to ruin his wedding and the least I could do was make a video. He didn't call when my son was born. He has never asked after his well being or ackowledged his existence. So I feel confused. Angry. Betrayed. And not too sure how to handle this news. I need to do more walking in the woods and baking and thinking. The anger I feel doesn't do anyone any good. I need to find a way to let it go. But from there I have no idea what to do.

November 14 :: National Prematurity Awareness Day

  November 14 :: National Prematurity Awareness Day 
  Originally uploaded by peep's mama.

Our son was born 16 weeks too early. He spent 104 days in the NICU. November is Prematurity Awareness Month. November 14 is National Prematurity Awareness Day. You might see buildings in your city lit up with pink and blue lights. You may see people wearing Proud Parent of a NICU graduate t-shirts. Ask yourself - what can you do to help babies and families in your area? Because one person can make a difference. We know that our one person has made a huge difference in our lives.

To learn more about prematurity and the March of Dimes campaign - visit http://www.marchofdimes.com/pad/ and do something today.

The littlest lion

The littlest lion
Originally uploaded by peep's mama.

Two

ttSo. My kid is two. It is overwhelming really. I find it hard to believe. Sometimes I look at him and I still see the one pound nine ounce baby with a tube down his throat. I keep wondering when that will stop happening. There is a lot going on in our lives, mostly revolving around therapies for the kid. We have a big meeting set up for this Thursday, so maybe we will get some things settled and life will become a bit easier. But even as I am typing this, I realize that I need to go and do his brushing protocol...