Tiny Baby

first time

I just finished reading Sweet Juniper's birth story (which is fantastic) and have been left feeling a bit down. Well, more than a bit down, actually, more like really sad. The part when they write about holding your child for the first time - how special and magical that is. I didn't have that. I did get to hold him for the first time, the day after he was born. But it wasn't special and magical. It is now because we have come so far. And I am eternally grateful that the nurses made me hold him, but that is the thing, they made me hold him. I was scared of him. He was so small and red and hooked up to so many wires and iv's. I was terrified. Holding him, at that time, was more frightening than anything. Monitors were beeping and I didn't know why. He had a tube down his throat and I couldn't see his face at all. He weighed as much as a bag of coffee beans. It wasn't beautiful. I can look back and know how lucky I was to be able to hold him. And holding him at that point helped me feel like I actually had a baby. But I just remember being scared and wanting a nurse to put him back in his isolette where he would be safe. That just makes me feel incredibly sad, for me and for him.

and the dog too

Jack is still my tiny sick-y bean. But he is a happy sick-y bean. So that is working for us. We started a decongestant, to see if the cough is just from the tons and tons of snot he is producing, or if he is sicker than we would like to think he is. He has been fan-freakin'-tastic through all of this; it is I who has lost her mind. Each and every sneeze, cough, noise...sets me off. I keep having dreams where I am trying to call for an ambulance and when I open my mouth to say, "Come now my son has RSV!" nothing comes out. (yeah, I would like to think my crazy was a bit more creative, but it looks like I am just run of the mill.) So I am jumpy and on edge...and now the dog has the cold too. So, I keep hearing these weird sneezes and coughs...and it is the dog (Bailey). You know, sometimes it is the smallest thing that makes me feel like I am about to go over the edge. Stupid colds.

darth

Sorry to be so absent.
Had some teeth comin' in....
turned into a snotty nose...
turned into a cough...
now our son is darth vader...
waiting for the on call doctor to call back....
a bit frightened to tell the truth.....

confession

I am going to confess something. It isn't something I am proud of. In fact, I feel horrible that I feel this way. But sometimes, I miss having my solo life where I am not responsible for anyone or anything other than me. No pets, no husband, no car payment, no house....nothing. I have these moments when I am cleaning the grossness out of the sink where I daydream about just getting on a plane or in my car and leaving. With no plan. Nothing but me and the limitless universe. I could join the Peace Corps. I could become a rock climber. I could do anything. Then reality sets in. It actually is a wonderful reality. A happy reality. I have a husband who is kind, generous, and sensitive. He is also funny, good looking in a weird Moby kind of way, creative, and wickedly sarcastic. I have a son who constantly amazes each day. Every moment with him is a reminder to not take things for granted. But still sometimes...it sneaks in. Somehow I think I must be defective. Mothers and wives don't feel this way. I love my family. I worked so hard, so effing hard, to get us all here together. They don't tell you that when you become a mom - you will never be alone ever again. Even when I am alone, I am worried, or missing them. So I am not really alone. Even when he grows up, is big and moves away. He will be with me, in my mind, in my heart, forever, all the time. It kind of freaks me out. To think that my life, which was once just mine, is now so totally enmeshed with others. So, I confess that I am a horrible person, a terrible mother, a woman who sometimes dreams of just being alone for ten seconds.

constant reminders...almost unbearable

constant reminders...almost unbearable
Originally uploaded by peep's mama.

I had just washed and dried Ellie's bed. It was still in the dryer. I had to take it out today. I can't stop crying. How do people do this? I thought, after the NICU, this wouldn't be so hard. I was wrong.

We pick her ashes up on Monday

14 years.
We picked her out of the litter. After doing all of the puppy tests. She was the best one.
She was the best one.
I never thought it would be this hard.

Sweet girl.
I hope there are endless rivers for you to swim in.
I hope there are hills to run and sticks to chew.
I hope you get to sleep in someone's bed and never have to take a bath.
I hope there are a million cheerioes dropped on the floor.
I hope there are a milion birthday parties and you get to yodel along to each rendition of Happy Birthday.
I hope there are hundreds of pecan pies on top of microwaves just waiting for you to steal them.
I hope that someone keeps making sandwiches that mysteriously dissappear.
I hope you get to experience a fraction of the happiness that you brought to us.

I never thought it would be this hard.

Rest well old girl. You will be missed every second of every day.

Missing Daddy

Missing Daddy (1)
Originally uploaded by peep's mama.

When I first became pregnant, we had no idea that I would end up on bedrest and deliver four months early. My plan, before this happened, was to take maternity leave and then return to work. I was planning on working extended days and having more days off during the week. A friend would watch the baby at her home while I was at work. Things did not unfold as planned.

At my week 17 ultrasound, the tech muttered something under her breath and went out to get a doctor. The doctor came in and went and got two more doctors. They sent me directly to the hospital where I had surgery and was put on strict bedrest. I had to go on disability from work. When our son was born at 24 weeks, I was still on disability, but it was running out. Eventually I was told that they needed me to come back to work full time or they would have to replace me (company under 50 employes so no FMLA). So at that point, my son was still intubated and in a level 3 NICU. They had to replace me - and I had no more job.

I collected unemployment, but that also ran out. Our son cannot go to daycare because of his compromised immune system. Our neonatologist told us that in no uncertain terms. We were told if I needed to work, someone would have to come in.

I do non-profit work, designing learning environments for students with disabilities, so the cost of someone coming in to watch the baby was the same as my salary.

My husband picked up the slack and started working overtime and a side job, so that we can afford our house and food. However, this means we rarely see him.

Jack sees me every day - all day. He loves me like bread loves salt, but I am not daddy. He misses his daddy. Most of our days are spent with tiny baby eyes gazing at the door, or chubby baby hands stroking the instruments that to him mean daddy. Some days, he bangs on them and screams "da da da da da da!' and won't let me touch him.

Today, we missed daddy. We missed him a lot.

Daddy has breakfast with the kids (1)

Daddy has breakfast with the kids (1)
Originally uploaded by peep's mama.

Fighting the War on Snot

Fighting the War on Snot
Originally uploaded by peep's mama.

...and not winning.

Sorry to be away for so long. We have been dealing with a cold since Christmas, and are not having much luck with defeating the evil snot monsters.