I am going to confess something. It isn't something I am proud of. In fact, I feel horrible that I feel this way. But sometimes, I miss having my solo life where I am not responsible for anyone or anything other than me. No pets, no husband, no car payment, no house....nothing. I have these moments when I am cleaning the grossness out of the sink where I daydream about just getting on a plane or in my car and leaving. With no plan. Nothing but me and the limitless universe. I could join the Peace Corps. I could become a rock climber. I could do anything. Then reality sets in. It actually is a wonderful reality. A happy reality. I have a husband who is kind, generous, and sensitive. He is also funny, good looking in a weird Moby kind of way, creative, and wickedly sarcastic. I have a son who constantly amazes each day. Every moment with him is a reminder to not take things for granted. But still sometimes...it sneaks in. Somehow I think I must be defective. Mothers and wives don't feel this way. I love my family. I worked so hard, so effing hard, to get us all here together. They don't tell you that when you become a mom - you will never be alone ever again. Even when I am alone, I am worried, or missing them. So I am not really alone. Even when he grows up, is big and moves away. He will be with me, in my mind, in my heart, forever, all the time. It kind of freaks me out. To think that my life, which was once just mine, is now so totally enmeshed with others. So, I confess that I am a horrible person, a terrible mother, a woman who sometimes dreams of just being alone for ten seconds.
I hear you. And you are not horrible. Just honest. And you are not the only person who feels that way.
Posted by: Meghan | January 17, 2006 at 08:34 AM
"Mothers and wives don't feel this way."
Oh yes they do. Every single one of them.
Posted by: Nicole | January 17, 2006 at 09:19 AM
I was just signing in to type the EXACT same thing Nicole did. I think we all feel this way sometimes. Very very normal.
Posted by: Christa | January 17, 2006 at 04:43 PM
we all have these fantasies...but few of us have the courage to say them aloud. about a month ago, i was flat out exhausted...almost sleepwalking through my days from too many sleep deprived nights of finally getting scout to sleep in her own bed again (although I must confess that I was the one who created the bad habit out of a need to be close to her). so i was nodding off while knitting and shook myself awake and said to myself "oh, thank god that was just a bad dream"...and the bad dream i was referring to was my REAL LIFE. it was a surreal moment...xoox
Posted by: lisa b | January 17, 2006 at 07:07 PM
we all have these fantasies...but few of us have the courage to say them aloud. about a month ago, i was flat out exhausted...almost sleepwalking through my days from too many sleep deprived nights of finally getting scout to sleep in her own bed again (although I must confess that I was the one who created the bad habit out of a need to be close to her). so i was nodding off while knitting and shook myself awake and said to myself "oh, thank god that was just a bad dream"...and the bad dream i was referring to was my REAL LIFE. it was a surreal moment...xoox
Posted by: lisa b | January 17, 2006 at 07:09 PM
Actually, I sometimes wish my family -- as dear and lovely as they all are -- would go away and leave me alone in the house. I feel like I never get to enjoy it, or to do what I want in it, or even get it set up the way I want it. I remember back before we had kids but after we'd been married for five years or so, my husband was working mid shifts -- noon to nine -- and it was so nice to have the evenings to myself during the week. I'd do a little housework, read, paint my nails -- nothing much, but it was so restful.
You don't even have the break of getting away to go to work. So I totally understand the feeling. You are surely not alone!
Posted by: Chris | January 17, 2006 at 07:45 PM
Chiming in here - oh yes. We've all felt that way.
Posted by: Jenny | January 19, 2006 at 01:50 AM
I'm here via Keet's blog, and I have to say, what you're saying and experiencing isn't good, it isn't bad, it's Just TRUE.
Not only have all mothers occassionally felt the way you feel, but the more you can admit that some days suck, sometimes caring for and playing with kids is bone-numbingly boring, some nights you just want to go out by yourself with no worries, *hopefully* the more gentle you can be on yourself about it.
My boys are 9,5, and 1 month. I remember calculating how far I could get on the gas in the tank, and shutting the door on my then 5 and 2 yo kids for *10 whole seconds* before the worry overcame the desperate need for space to myself. You are no alone. I actually spend one morning a week at the Amherst MA family center talking about the *real* picture of mothering, which includes the stuff you said. You're welcome any time, or check us out on-line at www.motherwoman.org
Posted by: Meguey | January 19, 2006 at 10:55 AM