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I feel horrible that our story made you feel that way. I don't necessarily think my wife was saying it is always a "beautiful" feeling when you first hold your baby, just one that is very powerful and imbued with a certain emotional gravity that no one but the person sitting there doing it can understand or even imagine. it sounds like even though the experience for you was so difficult, it did still have a certain gravity that allows you to remember it so vividly and to describe it so well.

I wanted to stress more in our story that in many ways our story was unremarkable. it is stories like yours that actually deserve to be told.


Dutch - don't feel horrible. I enjoyed your story. In fact, I loved your story. It is beautifully written and powerful. I am so happy for your family that you have that story to tell. Besides being a big whiny baby and feeling sorry for myself, I am in the process of *naming my losses* as part of post-traumatic stress recovery. Your story actually helped me to identify and name a specific loss. And I am working on replacing the loss with the memory and what is important and wonderful about it. So, please don't feel horrible. Now go give that delectable baby and kickass wife some lovin'!


I hear you Amy! Sweet Juniper's story is beautiful.

In my case, I had to have a nurse insist that it was time to go visit the baby in the NICU. I put it off as long as possible - I showered, I had lunch, I slept, until the nurse finally just came with a wheelchair, put me in it, and wheeled me over there. I couldn't touch him then (he was too swollen) but it was a dark memory. I felt guilty for a long time that I didn't want to see my baby.

On the other hand, we get our own special memories - the first day our babies could wear clothes, the first day they ate with a bottle, the day they were unwired and untubed. For me, a huge one was the day the neonatalogist used the word "goes home," as in "when he goes home."

Hope the Peeps household is in better health tonight!


thanks amy, that makes me feel better.


I just discovered your site. I've added you to my blog list. Your son is beautiful.


I hear you about holding your little one. I only saw one of my twins when they were born. (I was supposed to see them after I got out of recovery but I was there for 2 days due to some issues) Mine were premature but I was VERY lucky as they were 35 weekers!!! I am off to read Sweet Junipers story now!

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