Tiny Baby

We are

a family bed household. We co-sleep. And it is wonderful. Amazing. It is a decision I will never never never regret. I love falling asleep with my warm drowsy boy and somewhat smelly husband. I even like the snoring. It is kind of like my own person white noise machine. I love to wake up to a smiley imp who is poking my eye and saying, "poke eye. poke eye. mama. mama. up up. go play. go play cars. mama." I love it. There is nothing better. And I know it will only last so long. I plan to enjoy - drink up - soak in - and love every single second of it.

babies

So. My mom told me that my brother and his wife are having a baby. Due June 1. My first thought was - wow it is so early to be telling people and there is so much that can go wrong between now and then. My second was - if anything terrible happens I hope it is in-utero so that the baby doesn't suffer. Because that is how much I have been affected by my pregnancy and birth experience. I went in for a scheduled ultrasound at week 15 and ended up in the OR an hour later. Spinal. Cercalge. Strict bedrest. Hospital bedrest at week 24. Every second of every day from week 15 to 24 was lived in fear that at any second my baby would die. And then he was born at 24 weeks and for the next 104 days we lived in fear that at any moment he could die. Don't leave the NICU to eat because what if he dies while we are eating? Waking up to pump at 3:00am and calling to make sure that he is still okay. Hoping that in the time it took to drive from the house to the NICU he didn't get an infection or have to be bagged. It has completely colored the way I see pregancy and brith. I will never be the same.

I don't really know how to deal with the news of this pregnancy. This is my brother who hasn't talked to me since his wedding because I didn't make a fancy video and send it for him to show at the wedding. You see, I missed his wedding because I was having surgery and then was on bedrest. But I apparently was doing this to ruin his wedding and the least I could do was make a video. He didn't call when my son was born. He has never asked after his well being or ackowledged his existence. So I feel confused. Angry. Betrayed. And not too sure how to handle this news. I need to do more walking in the woods and baking and thinking. The anger I feel doesn't do anyone any good. I need to find a way to let it go. But from there I have no idea what to do.

November 14 :: National Prematurity Awareness Day

  November 14 :: National Prematurity Awareness Day 
  Originally uploaded by peep's mama.

Our son was born 16 weeks too early. He spent 104 days in the NICU. November is Prematurity Awareness Month. November 14 is National Prematurity Awareness Day. You might see buildings in your city lit up with pink and blue lights. You may see people wearing Proud Parent of a NICU graduate t-shirts. Ask yourself - what can you do to help babies and families in your area? Because one person can make a difference. We know that our one person has made a huge difference in our lives.

To learn more about prematurity and the March of Dimes campaign - visit http://www.marchofdimes.com/pad/ and do something today.

The littlest lion

The littlest lion
Originally uploaded by peep's mama.

Two

ttSo. My kid is two. It is overwhelming really. I find it hard to believe. Sometimes I look at him and I still see the one pound nine ounce baby with a tube down his throat. I keep wondering when that will stop happening. There is a lot going on in our lives, mostly revolving around therapies for the kid. We have a big meeting set up for this Thursday, so maybe we will get some things settled and life will become a bit easier. But even as I am typing this, I realize that I need to go and do his brushing protocol...